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Freeing the Feminine in Men and Women


There can be so much pressure on men to be present, to witness without judgement, to create safety, to ‘see’ a woman and to be able to hold space for her, no matter how tumultuous the storm. When a man feels his own woman, and can live and breathe AS HER, he is able to feel his own need for emotional safety and no longer denies his own feminine in order to ‘show up’ in relationship. When a Man embodies his woman, rather than being a slave to the emotional highs and lows of the outer woman, he calls the inner and outer Masculine (including the masculine in women) to Presence, to “show up” for his girl, to witness without judgement and hold space. Relationships from this framework, can be mutually supportive and empowering rather than shrouded in expectation, gender wars and separation.

Just like every woman has a fear of abandonment and rejection so too does the feminine in every man (often unconscious). His little girl needs to grow up and learn to feel whole just like our little girls. More often than not, a man needs support in his feminine rising more than a woman does because his girl has often been completely ignored – by him, by his beloved and by society at large. And just like every woman has a default pattern or the shadow “guardian” for this little girl, so too does every man. It is the part of us that acts from our insecurities instead of trusting that we are enough for another to hear, see and love us just as we are. It is the part of us that finds it easier to act aloof and disconnect when we feel rejected instead of risking vulnerability and communicating lovingly and maturely how we are feeling. Its the demanding diva who retaliates and throws her weight around because she wants others to believe that she has the power, asserting her need for respect rather than naturally gaining it by allowing her vulnerability to expose that she is scared, sad and hurt. It is the part of us who plays games of withdrawing and punishing to prove our worth – putting our sword up first so to speak, rather than putting it down so the feminine can speak her truth about how she feels inside.

Two words flash before me when I feel into the unhealthy feminine: ENMESHMENT (it is the outer that makes me feel whole) and DRAMA (addiction to the pain cycle of love/hate, opening/closing).  For the scared wounded little girl to grow up in men and women, we first of all must face the dragon of why we want enmeshment and drama in the first place: REJECTION and ABANDONMENT (yes, from our childhood!).

When we are in relationship, and feel the “other” coming closer to us, we begin to desire more and more of that love and start becoming dependent or projecting our parents onto them. This happens because as we begin to reawaken our little girls hearts, her young need for mummy and daddy’s love begin to surface. She feels loved again so completely, so wholly…in a way that fuels how she needed to be fueled as a child (the intensity of this will be more potent depending on how “dark” our experience of abandonment has been). These strong primal feelings in our little girl that are being satisfied (she feels alive again, blissful, open!) can create obsessive thoughts, neediness and many times cause us to act in relationships in ways we are not proud.  We are unconsciously wanting our partner to reparent us and this creates conflict.

The beloved more often than not, will move away when they feel this neediness and unconsciously know that they are suddenly being entrusted with the impossible task of reparenting your little girl. Nobody wants to be loved this way, not really. So, we move away…and then hell hath no fury like the scorn and tantrum of the little girl who is no longer feeling the love she finally got back again, or received for the first time. Rather than being vulnerable and keeping our hearts open at this point, sharing what is happening and facing our own fear, we retaliate to keep control and power and the little girl is swept aside in shame. We may go cold, disconnect from Love, withdraw sex, put our attention elsewhere. We invoke the Guardian of our Hearts rather than the Mature Feminine.

So, how do we invoke the Mature Feminine rather than falling into unhealthy patterns that a) perpetuate a pain cycle b) create separation c) leave us under the mercy of our beloveds emotional highs and lows and d) leave us feeling the rejection and abandonment we were trying so desperately to avoid????

We become aware of and face our shadow – fear of abandonment – and we call in the powerful light of the sacred feminine archetypes and embody these energies which change a conditionally loving relationship with ourselves and others to an UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING RELATIONSHIP. The wounded feminine asks “what can I get and how can I keep it” The healthy feminine asks “how can I create safety for myself so thatI stay open to Love”. The wounded feminine asks for safety outside of herself by being needy and demanding.   The healthy feminine asks for what she needs simply by BEING – authentic, vulnerable, open and with an intention always to be and give the Love that she is.  The unhealthy feminine suppresses her feelings, puts on a mask and acts very differently to how she actually feels.  Then she wonders why her needs are not being met and becomes a victim.

For the wounded immature feminine in men and women to grow up and mature, she must ‘marry’ the healthy masculine within or she will constantly be shut down by the inner and outer unhealthy masculine. Please read this article on how to heal the split between the masculine and feminine.

For a more in depth understanding of new paradigm relating, stay tuned for our forthcoming e-book:  The Song of Tantra.

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