Our inner perfectionist thrives on control, driven by a deep need to avoid failure and rejection. The key to working with this part of ourselves isn’t about trying to eliminate it entirely — after all, our perfectionist can serve us in powerful and productive ways when it’s aligned with our best interest. Instead, it’s about getting the perfectionist out of the driver’s seat and uncovering the wounds that fuel its behaviour. By healing the pain and trauma beneath its surface, we can allow the perfectionist to operate from a place of wholeness and expansion, rather than from fear and unhealed childhood wounds.
“You have a choice here: will you let the perfectionist keep control of the wheel, or will you choose to let your true self take control and guide your life? Will you let the fear of failure dictate your path, or will you step into self-belief and the freedom of authentic expression?”
Imagine that the perfectionist’s role is to mask your true self, hiding any parts of you that might not seem flawless in relationships and holding you back at work until every single outcome is meticulously planned and predictable. With the perfectionist in control, everything must be managed, calculated, and safe, ensuring you never risk being wrong or feeling rejected.
But ask yourself: is this really how you want to live? Or is there a part of you longing to break away of the rigid control and fly freely?
The stronger your inner perfectionist, the more it will hold you back from taking bold steps in your life, especially in your business. It keeps you stuck, paralysed by the fear of failure, afraid to even try.
I see this so often with entrepreneurs I work with… When they’re on the verge of launching something, the overthinking kicks in, spinning them into a downward spiral of negative thoughts. The extent to which they’re caught up in this overthinking directly reflects how much power their inner perfectionist holds over them. It’s not about the launch itself, it’s about letting go of the need for everything to be perfect and trusting that it will unfold exactly as it’s meant to.
True power lies in embracing the process, flaws and all, knowing that even the imperfections are part of its beauty.
In regard to relationships, this blog is here to guide you toward embracing the beautiful, messy, and raw reality of your human experience. It’s about letting go of the need to have it all together and allowing yourself to be fully seen, just as you are.
In regard to your professional life, this blog is here to remind you to have courage; courage to express yourself without obsessing over perfection. Whether it be an email, event launch, post or blog. True connection doesn’t come from a perfectly curated version of you, it comes from your real, unfiltered self. It’s in your authenticity, not in the mask of perfection, that you truly touch people’s hearts. If you want to attract clients that are truly aligned with the essence of who YOU are, start showing who you really are to the world.
Perfectionists tend to focus heavily on details, and while that attention can be useful at times, there are many moments when those tiny details don’t actually matter, no one else is seeing them the way you are.
What people truly crave is a felt experience of you: the essence of who you are, whether you’re sharing with friends, a partner, or an audience. So, reflect on this: what holds the highest value for you? Is it about receiving approval and ensuring that no one can find a single flaw, or is it about something deeper… something that brings real meaning to life?
The person who creates the biggest impact in their life, their relationships and their work is the one who dares to be fully, unapologetically themselves. What does that look like? Thoughts and fears no longer dictate how you show up in your work or your relationships. This shift, from living in your mind to living in the present, can transform your entire experience of life.
When the perfectionist is running the show, the thoughts in our head often spiral into every possible negative scenario: “What if this happens? What if that goes wrong?” etc. The mind becomes consumed with analysing every detail, trying to control the outcome and always looking ten steps ahead.
This mental overdrive comes at a cost; it blocks your ability to be fully present, to feel truly alive, and to flow from the inspiration that comes from your uniqueness. When you let go of the need for control, you open the flood gates for creativity, freedom, and magic to flow.
Of course, there are times when we need to pay attention to details and structure, I’m not suggesting you abandon your perfectionist altogether. Rather, to notice whether your perfectionism is serving a genuine need in the present moment or if it’s being driven by past wounds, this awareness is key.
Sure, you can use your will to set your perfectionist aside by taking conscious action:
… “I’m going to express how I feel”
… “I’m going to send the email or share the post even if it’s not perfect”
… “I’m going to book the trip, even if I don’t have all the details planned”
These are all typical action steps, and while they can be powerful, if you’re not addressing the trauma beneath the perfectionism, it will continue to linger and haunt you.
For me, the trauma behind my perfectionism showed up in how I communicated with my partners. I would never share how I felt until I was perfectly clear, with a carefully crafted sentence outlining exactly how I felt, what I needed, and what that would provide me with. I was so afraid that if I said the wrong thing or if I expressed my upset and it triggered them, I would be rejected and lose their love.
This fear created such an intense freeze in my body that my throat would close up and I’d feel paralysed. It revealed just how deeply I feared the other person’s response and how much I sought safety in getting it “right”.
The perfectionist relies on the other person to always respond lovingly, otherwise, the feeling of rejection skyrockets. They usually can’t take any form of criticism either, especially if it touches their failure wound. Often, it’s a combination of both: the failure wound, and the rejection wound, which lie at the core of the perfectionist.
So, how do we heal these wounds and expand beyond them? The first step is to uncover where they stem from. This will look different for everyone… Perhaps you had an overly critical parent who constantly pointed out your flaws, and now you’ve internalised that voice, criticising yourself endlessly.
Or, as in my case, my dad wasn’t critical, he was very supportive, but he was always pointing me toward the next level of consciousness, particularly in how I related to others. There was a lot of, “You can feel upset, but you don’t need to share that upset with someone” he would encourage me to always come from and speak with love.
By the time I reached 30 and manifested cervical cancer, I realised I had been suppressing way too much. Aside from having the occasional explosive blow out a few times a year when I simply couldn’t hold it all in anymore, I always kept my upset to myself. I wouldn’t express anything unless I could deliver it in a perfectly curated sentence, shaped by all the communication techniques my dad had taught me and the ones I later learned through Tantra.
When I asked myself the question “where did my perfectionism start?” I realised that my dad’s voice had always made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough, that there was always another level to expand into, and a way to be more loving. What he actually taught me though, was that I couldn’t be messy when I shared. My dad has never been messy, and I put him on a pedestal for that.
As I peeled back the layers, the first one revealed that I always wanted to be perfect in my communication because that’s what my dad had taught me to do. But on a deeper level, I realised I wanted to be perfect because the little girl inside me was still seeking my dad’s approval.
The perfectionist in me was protecting that smaller part of me from feeling rejected by her father or not good enough. Often, the parts of us that act as protectors, whether it’s anger masking vulnerability, perfectionism shielding us from feeling like a failure, or any other protective mechanism, are simply guarding us from feeling our pain fully.
I then had a conversation with my inner perfectionist by first asking: “Who are you protecting? Can I see her?” I saw a little girl who was afraid of not getting her dad’s approval, of not being loved, of not always shining as this perfect light of love. I asked her what she needed, and she said, “I just need to not get it right sometimes. I need to be allowed to be in the messy zone before I can articulate things perfectly. I need that to be okay.”
From there, it was a long journey of integrating her, of learning to honour her, and no longer tolerating men who shamed or punished me for being upset. I realised I had always attracted very spiritual men who reflected my father. We often attract what we love about our fathers, as well as what we don’t love, hopefully, as we evolve and grow, we begin to leave the latter behind.
Because of this, I always attracted men with a lot of nobility, integrity, and light. But that energy often doesn’t like mess, and that is its shadow. So, when I got upset, I would believe I was wrong and that I was being “too much”.
I’m here to tell you that it’s okay not to get it perfect – it’s okay to be in the mess. If you’re angry, it’s okay for your tone of voice to carry that anger, because why wouldn’t it? If you’re really sad and miserable, it’s okay to let that be seen, because it’s okay. All facets of the human experience are divine, including the mess, and that is the very premise of Tantra.
What does that really mean? If we can’t reveal all of ourselves, our truth, our mess, our darkness and our light, with our clients, our partner, our friends and the world, then what’s the point? The perfectionist’s fear of rejection stops us from finding the people who are uniquely drawn to us. Instead, it tries to fit in, to please everyone, and to keep the peace, but underneath that, there’s so much more. Ask yourself: what kind of clients do you really want to attract? Do you want clients who get turned off by a spelling mistake, or clients who are drawn to your raw, authentic and REAL self?
Now consider your relationships and think about the kind of partner you want… Do you want someone you have to walk on eggshells around, or someone with whom you can fully be yourself, messy, imperfect, and beautifully real?
For a long time, I found myself walking on eggshells in my relationships, constantly subduing parts of myself because I was afraid of doing something wrong. I wanted to evolve and be as spiritual as possible. For those of you who relate to that, know that the deepest evolution in your being happens when you allow yourself to be FULLY who you are.
Who you are is not something you can ever fully know. You are who you are when who you are is no longer who you think you are or who you thought you are. That’s the essence of true spirituality: asking yourself, who am I really? It’s not the idea of who you think you should be.
Every time you let yourself be messy, every time you don’t get it completely right, and every time you reveal more than the mask of perfection, you are giving yourself permission to be real. That permission is one of the most important pieces on this path.
When it comes to expressing the emotional body, I’m not suggesting you lose control, lash out, or dump everything onto others. You can still be clear and reflective in what you share, but the aliveness of your emotions also needs to be seen and felt. Once you’ve developed some communication skills and techniques, which are definitely important, the next step is to let go and trust yourself. When you stay centred in your heart while expressing, connected to something deeper than your thoughts, that’s you being yourself, and that is what you can trust.
When it comes to listening to someone who’s upset, if your fear of rejection or failure is really strong, it can cloud the space. You won’t be able to truly listen and feel their upset because your own fear and rejection will feel louder. Until you get to the root cause and resolve this wound, you’ll find yourself constantly defending or explaining yourself instead of simply acknowledging and apologising for what happened. The key to listening is to be fully present with what they’re feeling, without getting lost in processing your own reaction to their upset.
Letting go of the perfectionist is, at its core, deep inner work. It’s about asking yourself, where am I getting my validation? Is it coming from outside of me, or is it rooted within me? It’s about shifting your focus away from the external and bringing it back to yourself. And if you’re sharing more of your true self in a relationship and continually facing rejection, then that’s a clear sign you’re not meant to be in the relationship.
Why would you want a relationship with someone who’s only interested in the perfect version of you and the mask you present? That kind of connection isn’t conducive to anything that you need in a healthy relationship, it will squash the passion and kill the safety.
This is why so many relationships seem successful in the beginning, during the honeymoon phase. It’s easier to hold up the mask and only let the other person see what they want to see. But eventually, the cracks start to show, the mask begins to slip, and your true colours are revealed. That’s where the real work, and the real connection begins.
What if we revealed those true colours right from the start? Instead of holding back and waiting to show who you really are, potentially staying in a relationship that’s not aligned for far too long, you would see much sooner that it’s not the relationship for you. Or, you will create the space to expand together in your authenticity, navigating challenges with far more ease and grace. When both people are real from the beginning, growth becomes possible, and connection deepens in a way that masks could never allow.
It’s important to note that if you’re beginning this journey and you start sharing from a place of wanting to share everything and placing all the responsibility on the person listening to validate and acknowledge your experience, it’s not going to lead to real healing or expansion. True healing comes when you share for the sake of expressing your truth, not to seek approval or validation, but to be true to yourself.
Unless you validate your experience within yourself first, you end up placing immense pressure on the person listening to validate it for you. Then, if that validation doesn’t come, it can feel like you’re going to die, because, in a way, you are going through a death…
The ego goes through a death when you share something difficult or vulnerable and the person listening doesn’t acknowledge or validate it, the impact can feel enormous. This is why it’s so important to anchor into your own truth first and recognise the value of your experience within yourself. Then, sharing becomes an act of authenticity rather than a plea for validation.
If you don’t think your experience is valid and you’re doubting it, you’re relying on the external, on someone else, to confirm your reality. If you’re feeling it, it’s real. Over the last few years, I’ve had moments where I’ve allowed myself to have what I used to call “unreasonable” requests or feelings. But are they really unreasonable? I don’t see it that way anymore. If I’m here, dropping into something deeper than just my thoughts, and I’m feeling anxious, angry, or sad, then that’s what’s real, there’s no denying it.
We can get so caught up in the stories of the mind that there can be right or wrong, but what is it really? There’s a feeling here, and it’s always needing something. Maybe it needs to share a boundary or a desire, or maybe it just needs to be seen. When you acknowledge that there is truth in at least some part of what you’re feeling, beyond the stories of the mind, you can then take action and move toward expansion.
There are three key aspects to focus on when it comes to relationships and letting go of perfectionism:
Number one: don’t just drop the need for you to be perfect, but also drop the need for them to be perfect.
When you place the weight of perfection on yourself, your focus naturally shifts toward scrutinising both your own flaws and those of your partner. By softening this lens, you open a space to truly celebrate yourself. This can feel unfamiliar, scary and uncomfortable, especially if you weren’t celebrated as a child. That lack of celebration often feeds the contraction point of “not feeling good enough.”
It’s natural to feel fear, fear of rejection, fear of failure etc. Don’t try to run from that fear or avoid it. Instead, acknowledge it, be present with it and FEEL it. Then gently lean into something different: What if who I am is already enough? Try that on like a new garment, see how it feels.
I strongly encourage anyone with a strong perfectionist tendency to cultivate a practice of celebrating themselves every single day. Begin by noticing your thoughts, those moments when you think, “I could have done better,” or feel that your partner or children “could have done better.” Rather than dwelling in that space, shift your focus to what’s possible right now. If there’s something you can do to improve the situation, take action; if not, let it go. Redirect your attention from perceived “failures” and instead reflect on the accomplishments and moments of beauty that unfolded throughout your day and celebrate that… celebrate yourself!
One of the biggest sabotaging quality of the perfectionist lies in the tendency for things not to get done. There’s an endless loop of overthinking, focusing on what needs to be done, how perfectly it must be executed, and obsessing over potential negative outcomes. And what’s the result? Paralysis. The perfectionist craves predictability, striving to control every detail and cover every possible scenario to create a sense of perfection. Yet, life is inherently unpredictable, anything can change in an instant.
Part of my journey with my business has always been about holding myself accountable to the present moment. Even when it would be far easier to stick to a plan, I embrace the flow of chopping and changing as needed because that’s the essence of the academy, it’s alive and ever-evolving. If I were to fixate on predictability, planning out every detail for six months or even an entire year, I’d miss the infinite possibilities the universe might reveal. Life has its own rhythm, and in any given moment, everything can shift. This brings us to the second layer of working with the perfectionist…
Number two: changing the wiring.
Perfectionists often struggle to see energetic flow as a part of their path to success. Much of the world operates with a perfectionist mindset, conditioned from school, where we’re graded and taught to aim for perfect scores. Naturally, this spills over into our projects, conversations, relationships, and especially our work. The focus becomes, “how can I achieve success?” followed by strategies and plans meticulously designed to guarantee that outcome.
But here’s the truth: strategy and planning might account for 20% of the equation, if that. The real key lies in being true to the energy that is alive, inspiring, and present. That’s the source of inspired action—the kind of action that feels aligned, effortless, and in flow with life.
This means your projects aren’t rigid timelines filled with strategies that often fall apart anyway. Why? Because the control and predictability that perfectionism craves only functions within a specific framework—like a structured office environment.
However, for most of the people I work with, entrepreneurs, creatives, and visionaries, this approach simply doesn’t align with the dynamic and intuitive nature of their work.
The only way to create authentically and sustainably is by staying fully present with what’s alive in the HERE and NOW, because as we know, this moment, the NOW, is the key to everything.
The pulse of our aliveness, the spark of inspired action, is what truly keeps the proverbial engine running. It’s the heartbeat of my work, constantly evolving, constantly changing. This is why nothing I teach is ever the same twice; it flows with the current of this moment, carried by the energy of aliveness that moves through me.
Whatever you’re feeling called to take action on in this moment – just do it! Take action, stop overthinking, stop hesitating and simply DO! Let go of the need to perfect every detail. If you wait for everything to be flawless, you’ll never launch that project, create that offering or step into that relationship. Life isn’t about waiting for perfection; it’s about showing up as you are, right now.
You can share as you learn. You can be in relationship while you heal. There will always be more you can do, but the deeper truth lies in the non-doing, in trusting who you came here to be and fully embodying who you are in every moment. That trust isn’t dependent on an audience or external validation.
Your expression is yours alone, and in the raw honesty of that unmasked self, you will naturally attract the right clients, the right relationships and the right opportunities—because they will be naturally drawn to the real you.
That brings us to the third point: whatever aspect has been the hardest for you to accept and own about yourself, begin accepting and owning it now.
Start owning your imperfections and embracing your wholeness… No one will ever be perfect, including yourself and including the people you cultivate relationships with. We all have our struggles, our shadows and our moments of falling short. Can that be okay? Can you let it be part of the human experience?
Even the part of you that wants to get it right, it’s okay for that to be there too. The real question to ask yourself is: which part of yourself do you want in the driver’s seat of your life? Is it the part striving for perfection, or the part of you that is willing to show up as you are, fully alive and completely whole?
Life is short; we’re all going to die one day. Yet most people wait until they’re faced with death, through illness or old age, before they start asking the big questions. Questions like: “Where do I really want to be? How do I truly want to live? How much precious time and energy am I wasting by trying to be someone I’m not?”
Don’t wait for a crisis or the passage of time to bring you to that realisation. Start asking yourself those questions now. Begin that inquiry today, while you still have the chance to live fully.
My invitation to you is this: feed your soul, let it take the driver’s seat.
You might wonder, “how do I begin to feed my soul?” or “how do I even come to know it?” The soul isn’t something you can grasp with your mind, it’s something that reveals itself when the protective layers fall away, when the masks are stripped back, and all that remains is your raw, unfiltered realness.
When you do this – when the perfectionist steps out of the driver’s seat and your soul takes its place – life begins to flow with a lot more ease, joy, and pleasure.
That doesn’t mean that when your soul, the part of you following your joy and dharma, is in the driver’s seat, things won’t get bumpy. Life is unpredictable, and challenges will arise. No answer from any teacher can promise you a life free from pain. In fact, as we’ve explored, many of the protective mechanisms of the perfectionist are rooted in avoiding pain altogether.
The difference is that when your soul is in the driver’s seat, you welcome everything, the pain and the pleasure. Your inner compass becomes following your highest truth, and you feel that truth when you’re lit up, alive, and inspired. Follow those feelings. Go to the places that light you up. Spend time with the people who ignite your spirit.
If you’re in a relationship that lacks depth, joy, ease, or shared growth, what are you doing? If you’re not in a field of work where you’re experiencing fun, ease, joy, and depth, what are you doing? Life is too precious to settle for anything less than what truly lights you up.
HERE. NOW. That is what matters. Not some distant “one day” when you’ve built all the structures, perfected everything, and created some magical machine that delivers all the money and validation you think you need. It’s not about that. True abundance flows when we open ourselves to receiving love, because love vibrates at the same frequency as money.
Stop chasing perfection in your work and trying to get everything right as a means to success. Instead, start cultivating abundance by following love, by following what feels good!
Can you allow yourself to receive love, even in your imperfection, from the people around you and from your clients? Can you open yourself to receiving money, even though you’re not perfect? Are you deserving of extraordinary abundance just as you are? Absolutely! If perfection were the standard, none of us would be worthy of love, abundance, or anything else, because no one is perfect!
Remember, your perfectionist isn’t the enemy, it has its place and can be helpful at times. No part of us needs to be exiled or eliminated entirely. But, if you want to live your life fully, in the richness of the now, the perfectionist cannot be in the driver’s seat. Let it take a backseat, allowing presence, aliveness and your bodies innate wisdom to guide the way.
