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Healing the Split between Masculine & Feminine


“When you make the two one, and when you make the inner as the outer and the outer as the inner and the above as the below, and when you make the male and the female into a single one, so that the male will not be male and the female not be female . . . then shall you enter the kingdom.”

The Gospel of Thomas

Joining in real physical time and space with a soul mate, twin flame, deep kindred spirit is a challenge for sure as it absolutely forces everything that would obstruct love to arise to the surface. If Divine Love is not held as the matrix of a relationship, or in other words, if ego holds sway in a relationship, it cannot flourish.  It will be a never ending series of endings and openings, cycling though union, betrayal, separation…. union, betrayal, separation, union and so on and so forth.

The only way off the spinning wheel as I see it, is to heal the split between masculine and feminine.  To be aware of the unhealthy masculine in us so that we stop projecting it out and can transform it into healthy masculine…and likewise, to be aware of the unhealthy feminine in us so that we stop projecting it out and transform that energy into healthy feminine.   Once the two are healthy, they become ONE and the split is healed inside and out.   When they remain unhealthy however, the split can never heal.

My failure in this area has become my greatest ally. Why? Because it backed me into a corner so frigin tight that I could no longer go on living that way.  I had no choice but to strip away anything that was not Divine Love.   Blaming someone else just stopped working as did pretending to myself that I am anything other than what I am, and that I want anything other than what my deep soul wants.

So what does it look like when the ego has more sway in our relationship than our heart?

The co-dependent couple is consumated within and without.  Unhealthy Masculine and Unhealthy Feminine united as Two.  Important to note:  WEATHER WE ARE IN A MALE OR FEMALE BODY, WE ALL CARRY FEMININE AND MASCULINE ENERGY so the polarities exist equally to men and women.

Who is the Unhealthy Feminine?

The unhealthy feminine projects onto another or contracts whenever she hits the pain body. In her projection “mode” she is shaming, blaming and taming. She is addicted to process and most of her energy flows towards her own wounds and pointing out the wounds of her “beloved”.  Her core wound is abandonment and rejection so she uses relationship as a source of projection for that wound and safety. When this source disapoints her, hell hath no fury like her scorn!!! She is afraid of losing her relationships and does whatever she can to keep “her” man, which will eventually push him away. She can be a caretaker, putting others needs first and a people pleaser, seeking outside validation for her ego or/and a vampire, feeding herself through her relating. She will allow people who do not serve her highest good into her life, who may control her or/and fight to become free. The primary masculine who is in her life becomes like the sun, and she is the earth revolving around him so she does not have a strong sense of Self. She does not like to be vulnerable as she finds it difficult to trust and prefers to employ a mask or Guardian to protect her heart, or several to hide her true Self. She feels easily betrayed and rejected and so is manipulative and chaotic. She is a Victim and a Martyr. Most of her worries will stem from her penchant to find safety outside of herself.

Who is the Unhealthy Masculine?

The unhealthy masculine wants to be right and wants to succeed. He is Mr. Fix your problems rather than truly listen to them and see you. He withdraws rather than communicates and selects and distorts reality to justify his strong reactions. He defends, attacks and is accusatory. He is stuck in his mind and outcome oriented. He can be the addict, the bully, the “hot shot” climbing the proverbial ladder of success, the unfaithful partner who lies sneaks and cheats, the company “yes man,”, the “holier than thou” minister or guru, the father who can never find the time to be with his children, the teacher who ridicules his students no matter how well they are doing. This masculine energy has something in common, no matter who it lives inside of – boys pretending to be men. Pushing, prodding, criticizing, berating, judging and always wanting to stay in control.

We all have ways in which our unhealthy masculine and feminine impact our lives. They are the co-dependent couple who go hand in hand, activating each other within and without. They cause others and ourselves unnecessary drama and hardship. Yet we do not quite know how to move beyond these patterns no matter how much “work” we do on ourselves. They are so deeply ingrained in our culture and we really don’t have any healthy role models of the mature masculine and feminine.

As children, we were all affected by many experiences, some of which brought us joy, confidence and expansion as we grew up, while others brought fear, insecurity and shame. We might remember watching our mother cry in a victim state or fly off the handle in irrational rage. Maybe we remember her smiling or dancing, cooking and creating. We may remember our fathers in their presence or absence, in their warmth or darkness, in peace or reaction. Or maybe we lost one or both of our parents in one way or another.

These experiences are ingrained in the fabric of our being as the great strengths that allow us to feel love, joy, freedom, and safety or as the defenses that are keeping us from loving ourselves and others. We carry all of this inside us, in the deep and rich world of our humanity.

Mostly, as a result of all this unhealthy energy that lives in the collective and personal unconsious, we search outside of ourselves to “find” the divine mature feminine and masculine, the parents we never had. That is why relationships are so laden with expectation. And when we become disappointed with our partner, which we always do when we have not re-parented ourselves, we often continue to look on the outside for the solution. The right trip, the right job, the right diet, the right yoga or meditation retreat…until eventually we realize that the only thing that ever makes a real difference for human beings lies inside of us. It’s not what we do or our belief systems, but rather the deep and healthy femininity and masculinity that are innate within every person. This is what we are searching for because only connecting with this depth gives us the resources needed to truly live as an integrated Whole human BEing rather than a fragmented ungrounded human DOing. The only way we can BE the Love and Freedom that we seek.

The Healthy Divine Feminine and the Healthy Divine Masculine grow up together. One cannot mature without the other maturing. When they truly unite, they merge and we traverse deep territory beyond them to the Whole Self.

So we know now what it looks like when the ego has more sway in our relationship…

What does Divine Love look like?  Healthy masculine and healthy feminine come together within a whole being.  When this whole being engages with another whole being they will be integrating and at-oning the vertical as well as the horizontal dimension of relationship.  Love and Transcendence.  Personal Love and Transpersonal Love.

Who is the Healthy, Mature Masculine?

He is mindful, alert and PRESENT. He holds space, witnesses without judgement and creates safety.

He has an awareness that is acute so that he cannot be lulled to sleep by social mores and conditioning; instead, he is always watching, observing, witnessing objectively. He is aware of the finiteness of life and the inevitability of death, and he shamanically experiences his ego or identity “dying” time and time again.

His courage is rooted in the fact that he is not afraid to die.

He has self-mastery and self-control.

He is the master of his energies, penetrating them and pulling them back as he chooses, never overtaken by his desire.

He is aware that consciousness must be present for his desire to be in integrity and is aware of what serves the highest good of all, beyond Self.

He chooses how to act, instead of letting situations dictate how he feels.

He knows that pain is part of the flow of life and is not afraid to experience it, however he is able to emotionally detach from feelings that bring about fear and doubt.

He is Power and Purpose by being totally Present.

He is Shiva, the destroyer, but only destroys in order to make room for something new and fresh and more alive. His is an act of creative destruction, he doesn’t destroy anything without full awareness.

The mature masculine creates safety by living with integrity (an intention toward integration) and is conscious of integrating the archetypes of Lover, King, Magician and Warrior. He keeps his word, acts with honesty, and takes responsibility for his actions. He is who he says he is, he is stable and he knows himself. He protects his realm and his beloveds.

Who is the Healthy Feminine?

The healthy feminine does not care if you succeed or fail, she just wants to know, were you brave? Were you courageous enough to be yourself? Were you willing to risk being rejected, scorned at, being excluded to stay true to your Soul? Is it your authentic self that is speaking or your ego? If it was you, the sacred feminine is bowing and her heart is beating with joy.

The question the healthy feminine will ask you is:  are you alive and pumping, expressing and living the truth of your heart and your belly? There is no losing or failing when you have the courage to take your mask off…only the sweet satisfaction of  staying true to your souls path, even if that means chosing to feel shit scared.

When we are radically brave enough to let go of the outer masculine and allow the inner masculine to rise…a feminine awakens who is no longer wounded. She looks out into the world with new eyes….eyes that see the world not from the lenses of seeking love, but from the lenses of Knowing…a knowing that courses through the cosmos and through the earth and streams into her veins. SHE is seeing that there is really no rest for the feminine with the broken-open heart, for she never knows when love will need her. And she is willing to keep loving, to keep breaking open, not only to put an end to her own suffering but to help put an end to the suffering in others.

When our feminine is held by the healthy masculine inside of us, who commits to loving her no matter what, she finally feels the safety she needs to grow up and see the world from eyes that know….it is all a big fucking illusion. Love is the only thing that is real. And then, the feminine is FREE. In my personal experience and in my professional experience, what I notice is that when the Healthy Mature Masculine is cultivated in a woman, her Healthy Mature Feminine blossoms and rises:

“She is Maiden, Mother and Crone – In one…

You will recognize her because she

makes genuine eye contact with whomever she meets…

She is not afraid to be direct and honest about how she feels.

She charts her own course

And is willing to meet whatever comes, because she

has faith in her Journey. She’s aware of her own strength

She delights in enabling the wellbeing and the empowerment of others. But she refuses to subject herself to energy drainers

She sees through bullshit instantly.

She knows how to protect herself.

She is obedient to her own inner knowing,

She is willing to break the rules made by others

in order to be authentic to herself.

Her truth comes directly through her heart.

She uses her mind as the servant to manifest it.

She is in tune with her intuition and instinctual body.

She lives in the present.

Because she is willing to relinquish the past.

And allow the future the space it needs to unfold.

She understands that life is an ever changing flow from one moment to the next… She willingly goes with it.

She feels deeply connected to the earth and stays close to nature. She recognizes that she is not separate from it…

Being connected to nature is essential for her health and wellbeing.

She has simplified her life

Released the non-essentials so that she

can be spacious and free.

She has no time for gossip

She’s invested in raising the Sisterhood up

rather than cutting it down.

She celebrates the Beauty and Power in other Women.

She celebrates the Beauty and Power within herself.

She is just as willing to receive as she is to give.

She fills her own cup for herself and overflows it for others.

She understands the futility of unsolicited advice.

So she shares her wisdom through living it.

Love is her religion

Unity is her gospel

Laughter is her Grace

She loves to play through her inner child.

Sing and dance through her inner maiden.

She nurtures her body mind and spirit daily

through her inner mother.

She is Maiden, Mother and Crone

In one – she is Goddess”

~ Caroline de Lisser

You can expand into wholeness, healthy feminine and healthy masculine united, it all depends on your courage. And courage also comes as your experience grows, as you see that the more you integrate, the more beautiful life becomes; the more you integrate, the more love showers on you.. It becomes more colorful, more alive, more rewarding. The ordinary world suddenly starts changing into something extraordinary. The mundane becomes the sacred.

Think about EVERYTHING you want in a relationship…really go for it. You can have everything and anything you want. Now feel into the possibility that the only person you are ever going to get that from is YOURSELF. When the healthy inner couple is actually known & grown in an individual and inwardly consummated then the CHILD of that Union is born….You. The soul behind both masculine and feminine who no longer needs everything they have always wanted from someone outside of themselves because they already have it inside of themselves….the question is no longer: what can I get? or what do I need? but rather: what can I give? and, how can I serve this Planet? THEN you have the HOLY TRINITY of your own nature. In the CENTER of that triangle/trinity sits the Divine Eternal Flame & thats the portal to Love and Freedom.

Fo the women in Perth who want to embody your own Masculine and Feminine inside of yourself, join us for the incredible 8 Week Embodiment Journey, LIFE TANTRA.

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Embodied Awakening Academy