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Navigating Breakups the Tantric Way

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Relationships can be profoundly transformative when you choose to acknowledge and work on what they are revealing for you. They serve as a mirror, reflecting both your shadows and your light back to you, giving you the opportunity to know yourself and see yourself more deeply. If you make a commitment to own your shadows, and then work on shifting them, your relationship can be one of the fastest paths to inner evolution.

Let your relationships become your greatest teachers, be grateful for everything they have unveiled to you and for the growth they have propelled you into.

For many people when they end a relationship, they look back on it with only negativity and hostility, demonising their ex and forgetting all the love they held for that person. What if instead of doing that, you chose to keep your heart open and come from a place of love?

Often when we decide to end a relationship, it’s because of an incompatibility, not a lack of love.

You CAN end a relationship with a loving and open heart, letting go of resentment and blame… being grateful for all the lessons that person taught you.

Each time you go through a breakup, check in with yourself and see if there’s a reflection or lesson to be learned. Often, our biggest triggers in relationship (romantic or otherwise) are reflecting back to us something that is present in ourselves. For example, if you’re constantly getting triggered by your partners harsh tone of voice towards you, take a moment to reflect on yourself and if you’re also using a harsh tone of voice with them.

If you’re not taking responsibility for these reflections and then working to shift them, you will just keep attracting the same pattern in relationships. As I said, relationships can be profoundly transformative when you take responsibility for your actions – if you don’t take responsibility, you will keep attracting partners who trigger the parts of you that you’re refusing to look at.

When you go through a breakup, you’re transitioning out of an intensely deep intimacy with someone. You were sharing all of yourself with this person, perhaps living with them, raising children with them or at least spending a large portion of your time with them. When you go from such a close connection with another to all of a sudden never seeing them, it’s very shocking to both your nervous system and your heart.

Just because you choose to end the relationship from a place of love, letting go of resentment and welcoming in forgiveness, that doesn’t mean you won’t be feeling the full intensity of losing someone you had chosen to traverse life with. 

The grieving process is going to look different for everyone, generally though, shock and denial are the first stages, followed by anger, then negotiation, then sadness and finally acceptance. If you can go through and fully feel every part of the grieving process, you’ll find it much easier to love again afterwards; your heart won’t be guarded, and you won’t be holding all of the pain from the breakup by leaving it trapped in your body.

I strongly suggest that during this process, for a MINIMUM of 30 days, you implement a “silence” between you both. That means not seeing them in person, not talking on the phone, not messaging, not looking at their social media and preferably not looking at photos of them at all. This might sound hard however, it will make the grieving process much easier for both of you.

If you have kids together or other commitments such as joint finances that require you to stay in contact during a breakup, set clear  and firm boundaries to only communicate with each other about those things and not about your relationship.

When you’re not staying connected to the person you just ended things with, at least for a time, it gives you the chance to fully feel your shock and denial and come to a place of acceptance much quicker. If you find yourself wanting to re-engage in the relationship, this silence will help you stay clear in your decision and not be swayed by the hearts longing for that person each time you reconnect with them. Conversely, this silence also helps to avoid big blowup arguments and unnecessary re-hashing if one or both of you are still processing anger or disappointment towards the other.  

Don’t let yourself get stuck in processing your emotions through talking, re-hashing the relationship and going over the what if’s; just FEEL what’s authentic in your body NOW. Let yourself take the time to recalibrate, grieve and come back to yourself. 

Once you have gone through the grieving process fully, had your 30+ days of silence and are at the acceptance stage, then you can continue a friendship with that person if you wish.

During the first stage of the grieving process – shock and denial – it’s important to give yourself time to just be with and feel your emotions. Don’t try to rationalise or distract, just let your body express and release the emotions in whatever way feels good for you; let yourself cry, scream or throw a tantrum.

Hold yourself with compassion and love, let go of any resistance to pain, it’s inevitable during breakups.

After the shock and denial stage comes anger. Let yourself feel the full force of your anger; feel your disappointment, betrayal, frustration or rage. Don’t keep anything trapped inside, move the anger from your body by expressing and releasing: punch pillows, roar, hand scream, stomp your feet etc.

Following anger is the negotiation stage; you can’t decide if you made the right decision and try to work out if there’s a way to keep the relationship going. In most cases, the breakup was the right decision and attempts at making it work just create more chaos and confusion, ending in multiple breakups instead of just one.

When you re-kindle a relationship that has just ended, both people are on their best behaviour and the relationship shadows don’t surface for a brief time. Everything feels easeful and blissful however, this is usually short lived because the shadows always end up creeping back in if they are being ignored instead of addressed.

If you have decided to end a relationship, it’s likely because of an incompatibility and two incompatible people don’t make for a harmonious relationship. Stay connected to the true “why” of your breakup to avoid futile attempts at negotiating if the breakup really needed to happen.

It’s a great idea to physically write a list of why the relationship didn’t work, regardless of whether or not you ended it. This list can have a few reasons, or it can be just one reason; if you do have a list of a few reasons, I suggest you write your one “key” reason at the top. Get clear on what that reason is for you, ask yourself  “where was the biggest place I was settling?” or “ If I knew I was worthy of receiving love in the way I wanted to receive it, what wouldn’t I be tolerating?”

It doesn’t need to be complicated or extreme; your key reason could simply be that you no longer feel a resonance with that person, and you feel your souls heading in different directions. It is your right to be in a radiant, pleasure-full and harmonious relationship, and you have a right to end any relationship that isn’t that.

Once you have written your reason/s down on paper, you can then go back and use that list or sentence to remind yourself of why you ended the relationship. It’s entirely normal for the mind to set aside all the bad memories and remember all the good ones; it makes you doubt whether the relationship needed to end or whether you’ll ever find someone that good again. The mind does this as a form of protection because it doesn’t want to be alone and let go of something familiar, even if the relationship is causing you pain.

When you notice the mind taking over and running rampant with thoughts like this, go back to that list you wrote and read over the reason/s you wrote to remind yourself of why the relationship needed to end.

Don’t let yourself buy into thoughts like “maybe they’ll change” or “I can fix this”. Unfortunately, in a lot of situations, it’s as simple as an incompatibility between two people, and that’s not something you can easily change or fix. Trust the decision you made from a calm, centered space; if there was a huge fight and a lot of charge when you decided to end the relationship, feel into whether or not that decision was made in haste and based on your triggered emotional body. Sometimes we say and do things when we’re triggered that aren’t actually based on what’s best for us… Ask yourself if the decision you made is based on bringing more joy and ease into your life, or if it was based on you feeling angry, hurt etc and wanting to hurt the other person back or run away from the situation.

Of course, sometimes a person does genuinely change, and the relationship can be re-birthed into a new one that is harmonious, easeful and joyful. When this happens, you will be able to see and feel a legitimate shift in the person. Be careful not to re-ignite a relationship on the promise of change. If your ex is telling you they will change and using honeyed words to draw you back in, check in with your body and see how it feels around them. Our minds want to believe them however, our bodies hold the true key to determining whether this change is authentic or not. Does your body feel contracted around them or does it feel open and expansive?

Trust your body’s intuition and give yourself time to determine whether or not there’s been a genuine shift. Don’t instantly start making love and becoming enmeshed with them again. Take things slow and spend time together as friends first (after you have gone through the grieving process and had 30+ days of silence), giving yourself time to feel their energy and feel how your body responds to being around them.

The next stage of the grieving process is sadness… you’ve realised the relationship is really over. 

During this stage, call in your own healthy masculine energy to hold space for the scared and sad inner child within you; tell that inner child that they are safe and they are loved, hold them with loving presence and give them permission to freely express anything they’re feeling. Don’t judge anything your inner child needs during a breakup, they’re feeling scared and vulnerable. Even though you may be angry at your ex, inside there’s a part of you that’s feeling an immense amount of fear after losing someone who was such a big part of your life

Let yourself cry and wail, feel the intimacy that’s been lost and just be with the sadness that arises.

While it is important that we be with and feel our sadness fully during this stage, it’s also important to  balance that sadness with excitement for the new chapter of your life that’s about to begin. Consciously move into expansion by doing things that light you up and make you feel good. For me, this looks like spending time in nature, seeing my friends and nourishing myself with a warm bubble bath or a delicious meal.

I think it’s important to note that pain can also feel expansive; it’s all an embodiment journey. Feeling and expressing your pain can be a beautiful release and a journey that breaks you open into even more love.

A big part of the healing process after a breakup is cultivating and deepening your intimacy with your friends. Extend the notion of relationship beyond romantic relationships and let yourself expand in all your relationships. Find and receive the pleasure that’s available to you from all parts of your life, opening yourself to this pleasure and welcoming it into your body. 

Equally as important during this time is building the relationship with yourself; spending time alone, doing things that you enjoy and fulfilling your own needs.

The next stage is acceptance; you have come to peace with the breakup.

Once you’ve come to the acceptance stage, a closing ritual can be a beautiful way to bring the relationship to a complete end, giving you both clarity and peace.

A closing ritual is done preferably with the person you’ve ended things with, however it can also be done alone if need be. During a closing ritual, you each take turns to express your gratitude towards each other and then state clearly why you can’t be together.  To end the ritual, find an object that is sentimental to both of you and in some way connected to your relationship. Let this object go… give it back to the elements in whatever way feels right for you e.g. burn it or give it to the ocean (if it’s safe to do so). During this ritual, give complete forgiveness to both yourself and the other person; let go of any shame, blame or guilt.

Following a breakup, give yourself enough time to process the end of the relationship, don’t rush into another one out of fear of being alone. Go through the grieving process and then continue cultivating the relationship you have with yourself and your friends until you feel ready to call in your next partner. For some people this can be a few weeks, for others it can be months; trust what feels right for you.

Don’t be tempted to jump back into another relationship where you’re once again settling because you’re yearning for love. Get clear on what you desire for your next relationship, write it down and put energy towards attracting that into your life.

Often when we tolerate or settle for relationships that we aren’t a full “YES” to, it’s because our nervous system doesn’t know what it feels like to receive the love we truly desire. Create a felt sense in your body of what it would feel like to be in the relationship of your dreams, being loved the way you deserve to be loved. Experience the sensations of joy and pleasure in your body when you’re met by someone who is in full alignment with you, loving you the way you crave to be loved.

The universe understands energetic frequencies, so when you have a felt sense of what you’re a “YES” to and align yourself with that frequency, that is when you will attract it into your life.

The energy you live with will always be the energy you attract more of, so make that energy one that is aligned with the highest version of yourself; you have a full and rich life, you have beautiful friends around you, you’re in a passionate and loving relationship and you’re working a job that ignites you.

The more you have a felt sense of this in your body, the clearer you will be with your boundaries and the quicker you will be able to know whether the next person is a good match for you or not.

Remember: it’s not selfish to follow and prioritise your own joy. You are worthy of a relationship that is harmonious, fun, sexy, playful, easeful and joyful – don’t settle for anything less than that! 



Picture of Chantelle Raven

Chantelle Raven

Chantelle raven is a gifted healer and sought after international speaker on sacred relationship and sacred sexuality. Her mission is providing education in radical self-responsibility and the sacred dance of masculine and feminine within and without.