As a mother of two (a son who is 15 and a daughter who is 20) I’ve experienced, as all parents have, the trials and tribulations of parenthood, as well as the joys and rewards that come with watching my children grow into the magnificent and unique individuals that they are.

Through all of the ebbs and flows of motherhood and my own journey through Tantra, I’ve learned many keys toward Tantric parenting…

Tantric Keys for Parenthood

• Be authentic and let your children see your imperfections and vulnerabilities: No one is perfect, every parent is bound to make mistakes… don’t attempt to put on a mask of flawlessness in front of your kids. Instead, show them that there’s nothing wrong with making mistakes. Acknowledge when you mess up, apologise when it’s needed and let them know you’re doing the best you can. Trust that your child’s soul chose you for a reason — they want you and your soul as their parent, not some fake version of perfection.
• Never speak to your kids as if they are inferior to you or beneath you: Recognise the wisdom they hold and the lessons they have come here to teach you… Speak to them with respect and give them the freedom to say what they think and feel.
• Let the Divine flow through you and support your children to feel that in their own way: Your children are divine beings (as we all are) and they are here to connect with the divine; with the divine mother and the divine father, as well as their own parents. Your task as a parent is to let the divine flow through you and support your children to feel that connection and find their own way.
• Let your kids find their own way and trust in whatever that path is: It’s exactly what their soul needs. Don’t force them into being anything but exactly who they are… When I asked my daughter Sydelle what the best part of growing up with me as a mother was, this was her answer: “The best part of having you as a mum was how you always encouraged us to be authentic and accepted ALL of our emotions, giving us the freedom to be exactly who we wanted to be.”
• Allow your children to feel and express their emotions, trusting in their truth and listening to them: This is how you give them the freedom to be exactly who they are.
• Be a role model by having strong boundaries and being authentic yourself: I often get asked how I taught my kids to express themselves so freely, as well as how I taught them to have such strong boundaries. The answer is through expressing myself freely and having strong boundaries myself. Children learn mostly through imitation; the quickest way to teach them something is to embody it yourself. For example, I always followed my heart during their childhood. Sometimes my kids weren’t happy with the results of this, however I told them my soul felt called and that I needed to listen to that. This taught them to always follow their heart, even if it disappoints some people along the way. Additionally, I made it a point to always stand firm in my boundaries and allow them to witness that. This isn’t to say I never made mistakes; I was still learning to express my emotions healthily and respect my own boundaries… they learned right along with me, watching it all unfold.
• Know how much your relationship impacts your kids: Both my kids also had a whole new learning when I got together with my partner Metisse. They got to witness me being met by someone who is equally as committed to the inner work as I am, and more evolved than me in different areas of communication. They also got to experience the unconditional love and safety that he has brought into all of our lives. My point here is that your own relationship, both with yourself and your beloved, has a huge impact on your kids. When they not feel safe with you and also with your partner, that’s such a gift…
• Safety: When you feel safe in your body, you feel safe to be with whatever is arising within you and to feel whatever you are feeling – FULLY. When you feel safe with someone else, you feel safe to feel everything in their presence, knowing they can hold you. When your children are witnessing you feel safe in your body and experiencing that safety from you and your partner from an early age, it becomes normal for them to feel safe to feel their own emotions.
• Difficult moments are teachable moments: Dealing with situations where your kids exhibit challenging behaviour that negatively affects you and others can be tough, however these moments are often the greatest teaching moments… Especially when your children are younger, I find there are a lot more of these teachable moments. Don’t ever shame the behaviour, instead comment first on the virtue your child is displaying and then give them a value to bring in. For example, my daughter Sydelle could be quite impatient at times, so I would say something like this to her: “I can see how determined and persistent you are, and I love that about you. Right now, I would love if you could please practice a little bit of patience while I get you ready.” This way, it’s not shaming her and focusing on the quality I don’t like but directing her to what I do want. Then, as far as boundaries go, if she continued being impatient (which was uncommon) I would say “you have two choices here, if you keep behaving this way and being impatient, we’re not going to go out. Or you can calm down, take a few deep breaths, practice patience and then we can go out and have fun”.
• Communicate with love: It’s very important when you’re communicating with kids to come from a place of love in your communication. Equally important is to be authoritative without being authoritarian; not holding power over them, while still holding strong boundaries.
• Follow through with the consequences you set: This is where you teach your children healthy boundaries, by first practicing them yourself. This is also where you teach them that it’s ok not to be perfect by alerting them to their misbehaviour without shaming it. This is then supporting an integration of something that’s going to both support them and teach them.
• Balance your needs and requests with what you’re grateful for: This way of communication goes not only for communication with our kids, but all our communication in every relationship. Always balance your needs and requests with what you’re grateful for. Highlight the person’s good values first, then make a request for what they could bring in to make life more harmonious and enjoyable.
• Acknowledge and take responsibility for when you mess up: This goes for how you communicate with everyone, including your kids. If your kids point out behaviours of your own which are not unconditionally loving or are inconsistent with the values you aim to teach them, take the reflection as an opportunity for growth. Being able to take reflections like this, without defence or argument, then teaches your children to take responsibility in their own lives when they mess up.

Lastly, practice healthy emotional expression yourself: I think a lot of issues arise because parents don’t let their children see them expressing emotion, instead they suppress it, teaching their children to do the same. When a child first comes into the world, they naturally express however they feel…

When they’re not getting what they want they throw a tantrum, when they’re sad, they cry, when they’re angry, they stomp and yell. This is the body’s natural and instinctual way of releasing adrenaline and emotional charge from the body, which prevents it from remaining stuck within and causing havoc.

As we grow up, most of us, either through our parents or society, are conditioned in some way or another to supress our emotional body. We are taught to “get on with it” or “not make a big deal out of it” or “stop being such a baby”. This only traps the emotion inside you, leaving it to slowly fester within, usually resulting in an eventual explosion of emotion which is much more destructive than if you just let yourself feel the emotion and release it to begin with.

Especially as a parent, if you aren’t expressing and releasing the anger, frustration or sadness that is inevitably going to come up through parenthood, you are much more likely to take your feelings out on your kids.

The key here is to feel YOUR upset through the body, using techniques such as pillow bashing, hand screaming, shaking, sounding etc to release the emotion from your body, instead of taking your upset out on your kids.

A lot of parents I talk to worry that doing express and release in front of their kids will scare them. However, when done with discernment, I believe it is very beneficial for your kids to see you expressing your emotions this way. It shows them how to express their emotions healthily and that it is safe to express ALL of their emotions as they arise.

If you’re interested in diving deeper into your emotional body; feeling and staying present with all that arises, check out my previous blog post “Releasing the Emotional Body”.

Alternatively, if you want to receive our FREE eBook on Soulful Parenting, which covers emotional needs, creating harmony, routine, ritual and so much more, click here!