Cultivating deep self-worth starts with realising that your happiness blossoms from within. It shouldn’t rely too heavily on any single part of your life, including your relationship!
When you base your happiness solely on the external, you’re constantly searching for the next “thing” to bring you happiness. External objects and situations might bring you temporary happiness, however if you have not first cultivated a sense of happiness within, that happiness will always be fleeting.
Think of it this way; your passions, friendships, relationships and whatever else you find meaningful should add to your happiness, however if they disappeared you would still be capable of happiness, because your happiness, at a base level, comes from within YOU.
Don’t give your power away by letting YOUR happiness be dependent on one person, object or situation. Know that you are enough; you can fulfil your own needs and create joy for yourself.
How you were raised and treated as a child also plays a huge role in how you feel about yourself as an adult. If you were raised with unconditional love and accepted just as you are, then you likely have a higher level of self-worth instilled into you. This isn’t to say that you never doubt your worth or struggle with it sometimes, however at a base level you know that you are worthy of love.
I was blessed to grow up with a father who always held space for me, witnessed my emotions without judgment and showered me in unconditional love. At a foundational level, this is what had the biggest influence on my self-worth. Growing up without criticism and receiving love free of condition, taught me not to over criticise myself and instilled in me the belief that no matter what, I am always worthy of love.
So how does someone who didn’t grow up with this kind of love from a parent create that feeling of worthiness for themselves?
By cultivating their own healthy masculine energy within. By embodying your own masculine awareness (regardless of your gender) that’s in harmony with your emotional body, you’re then able to create loving safety for yourself and hold space for your own emotions.
I notice that a lot of people who don’t have their own healthy masculine energy cultivated within tend to over-analyse everything and easily go into catastrophizing situations. They focus on how to fix their feelings instead of just FEELING their feelings. Often becoming obsessed with personal development and needing to be the “best version” of themselves.
This is actually very self-harming as they’re constantly judging their experience instead of actually letting themselves have the experience and feel what they’re feeling.
When I would have emotions come up as a child/teen, my father would get me to tap on different parts of my body and repeat this to myself: “even though I’m feeling angry, sad, frustrated, etc., I deeply and unconditionally love and accept myself.” This is called EFT, a modality that is very aligned with Tantra in the sense that; no matter what we’re feeling, we’re still loveable.
Next time you feel un-comfortability, see if you can just be with what’s arising inside you without creating separation from the person or situation that’s triggering the un-comfortability.
Most people tend to create separation and withdraw when they’re relating to someone who makes them feel insecure, sad, angry etc. This is because they can’t just be with the emotions arising due to all the “noise” going on in their heads about the situation. When I say “noise” I’m referring to the intrusive thoughts that often pop into our minds when people trigger us, such as:
- “What do they think of me?”
- “Does this mean _____”
- “Do they think I’m an idiot”
- “I’m not good enough”
- “Maybe they want to make me feel bad”
This is all self-judgment and criticism, which only worsens any situation.
Instead of letting your mind run rampant with these thoughts, consciously notice them and let them wash away, emptying them from your mind.
Meditation is a key part in this – just sitting with yourself and witnessing what’s going on inside without letting it take over you. This helps you to stop caring so much about what everyone one else thinks of you and to just focus on your own experience. This meditative observing is foundational in cultivating a healthy inner masculine.
Pairing meditation with different Tantric practices that involve express and release, will dramatically change your life.
I invite you now to cultivate your own masculine energy within and practice meditative awareness. Hold space for yourself, witness without judgment and create safety for whatever aliveness is arising in you.
That’s one part of the puzzle in re-parenting yourself and heightening your self-worth…
The second piece is to then incorporate healthy feminine energy into your being. When you are in touch with your healthy feminine energy, you can see the messages and lessons in your feelings with much more ease and clarity. From there, you can then set healthy boundaries, follow a longing, implement change or make a request.
To summarise, you first want to cultivate a meditative practice as your foundation, bringing in your healthy masculine energy which can witness without judgment and hold space. You then want to bring in your healthy feminine energy to help you see the lessons hidden within your emotions.
If you want further guidance on cultivating healthy masculine and feminine energy within, click here to read one of my earlier blog posts on this topic.
