Written by Erin Fowler – EAA Tantra Practitioner and Facilitator
How many women try to speak into their fears, boundaries and/or desires during sex, set an intention to communicate more, sound more and/or express more, and then in the moment, completely freeze?
If your answer is ‘yes, you’re not alone, and there may be a reason that goes beyond your intention towards speaking up.
I have always found speaking up difficult, especially during sex. For a long time, if a lover asked me what I liked or desired I would freeze, unable to say anything. Likewise, if I felt a no or a boundary come up in my body, I would often be unable to share it, even if my whole body was screaming for me to. This often brought a lot of shame and frustration as I wondered what was holding me back.
Similarly, I’ve had countless conversations with female friends who have admitted to having sex with a partner or lover even when they didn’t want to as they didn’t know how to express their no or felt like they had led the man on. Or even if they’ve been a full yes to having sex, conversations around contraception and sexual health have been incredibly challenging to speak into and this has often led to them transgressing their own boundaries. In current #metoo times, its fair enough for men to sometimes be a bit confused if we aren’t communicating our full-bodied consent.
THE PHYSICAL AND ENERGETIC CONNECTION BETWEEN THE YONI AND THE THROAT
There is a direct correlation between the voice and the Yoni (vagina). In a female embryo the vocal cords and ovaries are one organ that later splits into two as the embryo develops. The word “cervix” comes from the Latin word for neck, and both the vagina and the throat are supported by a hammock-like set of diaphragmatic muscles which move in tandem with respiration.
The physical connection between the vagina and the throat is the vagus nerve, which is the largest nerve in the body, connecting the brainstem to the sacral nerve plexus. Recent research shows that this nerve does in fact go to the cervix and uterus and probably the vagina. The vagus nerve activates the parasympathetic nervous system and is therefore able to send a sigh of relief throughout the entire nervous system. The vagus nerve is stimulated through a number of means including diaphragmatic breathing. This is enhanced further when done in tandem with vocalisation i.e., singing or sounding. It makes sense that chanting and ‘om’ sounding has been a popular practice for relaxing the nervous system since ancient times.
Deep breathing with vocalisation also enhances our sexual pleasure. When someone is fully in their voice they are often also fully in their sexuality. Identifying a dissociation between the two can be a great first step in building greater capacity for expression, communication and pleasure.
Not only are the yoni and throat very similar from an anatomical perspective but they are also energetically linked. Notice what happens when you kiss someone with wet, soft lips. What happens in your yoni? What about when you sound with orgasm. Opening the throat, vocalising your pleasure, and relaxing that area, also relaxes and opens the pelvic floor. Likewise, if the throat is constricted so too is the yoni and vice versa. If we try to force something inside our mouth quickly, we choke or gag. So too with our yonis.
Artwork by Luisa Alexandre
A WOMAN’S VOCAL CENTRE CAN SWITCH OFF WHEN SHE IS AROUSED
Once a woman is aroused, her vocal centre can easily switch off. When women open themselves sexually, they have a tendency not to be able to say no or express what they need, especially where there is arousal. Once a woman is aroused her language centre switches off and it’s easy to slip into a submissive role and be taken advantage of. It is extremely common for a woman to be filled with regret after a sexual interaction once her rational mind is back online. This can lead to feelings of being retraumatised, guilt, shame and even the desire to persecute and crucify the male.
Likewise, many men don’t even understand how a woman is wired and then wonder why their lover acts as though she really wants to engage, and it seems very empowered and consensual, yet afterwards she can feel like her boundaries were transgressed or ignored. This is because of the mode her brain has delicately flipped into.
RECLAIMING OUR FEMALE SEXUAL POWER THROUGH THE VOICE
Historically, women speaking up during sex has been rare, as male pleasure and procreation have been the primary focus with women’s voices silenced. With a history of being denounced and humiliated for speaking in our power, for speaking from a place of empowered sexuality, it’s no wonder that we also still hold this in our bones, in our ancestral and cellular memories. Working with the voice, creating safety to be heard and to speak up, to express from our power centre, our sex centre, may be part of the solution of reclaiming our feminine power.
As we allow ourselves permission to make sound, to work through the fears and resistance that may arise with expressing our true desires and power, as we open our mouths and create space, so too we allow space inside our Yoni and our womb.
In between the two lies the heart, linking them together. Through the heart we can find the courage to speak from an empowered place. (In Latin the word for heart is cor. Courage originally meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”)
As we start to own our voices, we drop deeper into our bodies and connect to the primal, sexual power that resides in our wombs and Yonis. We connect deeply to the fire, rage and passion of the feminine of now and of eons past. We embody both the dark with the light. We connect to the potent energy of Mother Earth as she moves through us. We allow it all to be seen and heard and through these sounds, these vibrations, both a personal and the transpersonal power of our sexuality emerges, unable to be repressed. We return to our original state of wild innocence.
The sound of this power can be pure and harmonious or a wild lion’s roar.
USE YOUR VOICE!
One of the best ways you can learn to speak up, build your confidence and reclaim your sexual power is to use your voice. Singing or chanting daily will not only bring joy but will also activate the parasympathetic nervous system, stimulating the entire sensory body.
Hum or make noise, especially when you are enjoying something. When you taste delicious food, make sound. When you make love or self-pleasure, make sound and notice how your pleasure responds.
SOUNDING TO ACCESS GREATER BLISS: A practice by Chantelle Raven
A powerful way to access bliss is sounding. Here is a simple practice that can help you connect your voice with your Yoni.
First connect to the sound of your own breath.
Then make sound for every exhalation. Not just sound from your throat but from your body, from your womb, from your Yoni. It makes sexual pleasure much more authentic and healing. As you sound, you can bring your awareness to releasing any emotional tension to pave the way to more pleasure.
Sounding will encourage you to move sexual energy up into your heart and through your whole body. This is because it spreads vibration and activates our entire energetic flow. It might be challenging in the beginning, especially if you are quite disconnected from your body or if you have been conditioned to keep your pleasure very quiet. But give it a try knowing that your pleasure will increase the more that you allow sound to be expressed. You can even try releasing any fear, guilt and shame around your sexuality with sound.
Sound should be made with your mouth relaxed and your jaw loose, keeping your mouth open for every exhalation. You can also sound from one or more of the chakras. The sound “ahhhhhhh” will support you to feel the inner vibration of the heart chakra more deeply. Feel your body becoming like a hollow bamboo flute, allowing the sounds to resonate from bottom to top and top to bottom.
You can also imagine that your throat has the capacity to vibrate with whatever sound is alive in your Yoni. Keep bringing awareness to the connection between throat and Yoni and the aliveness in between. Move and breathe with this aliveness.
Xx Erin and Raven