I have recently had a few conversations with friends around sexual polarity. More specifically, the confusion felt by all genders on what the expectations are of them, especially in the bedroom.
We live in a world that is framed by the polarity of gender and many are now questioning what that actually means, and how helpful or unhelpful those labels are.
Some of my female friends and clients often confide in me that they would love to experience being dominated by their male lover in the bedroom, but that they don’t know how to ask for that, or that they are afraid of seeming “anti-feminist” or weird.
Likewise, I’ve had countless conversations with men who have really taken the #metoo movement on board, have reflected on their own behaviours in the context of toxic masculinity and really want to do the right thing by women, especially their lovers. However, this also leads to hesitancy and confusion around how much they should lead or dominate, for fear of “getting it wrong”.
It’s fair enough we’re all a bit confused. Conditioning from media and the world around us often paints that narrative of the man coming in and sweeping the woman off her feet, and yet with #metoo, and other similar, important conversations, we’re also learning to acknowledge the often manipulative or dangerous elements of these types of male/female interactions. So, with that in mind, is there still a space for men to lead and women to surrender, in empowered and fulfilling ways, especially in the bedroom?
In the following blog, Raven shares a powerful tantric perspective on cultivating romantic chemistry, allowing partners to experiment with leaning into their feminine or masculine essence and noticing the impact that has.
This doesn’t mean you have to stay in that polarity always, but for sexual chemistry, it can be an important element. I encourage you to explore and reflect on your own conditioning and expectations around gender and sexuality, and to have fun exploring this in your own life.
Next week we will share a specific couples practice you can try with your partner to lean into the practice of these ideas.
Love Erin x
THE SECRETS TO ROMANTIC CHEMISTRY
by Chantelle Raven
One of the major challenges in relationship is that there is not enough sexual polarity. Sexual polarity is the term used for the physical chemistry or the magnetic pull we feel when we meet someone with an energy that opposes our own. The main law of sexual polarity works like this: the more opposed the sexual energies between two people are, i.e masculine vs. feminine energy, the stronger the attraction will be in the relationship.
This means that where there is a couple that has one partner in their feminine essence (receptive, seeking to give and receive love, strong desire for connection, romance and intimacy, radiant, flowing, unpredictable, intuitive, caring, nurturing, soft, beautiful, surrendered, creative) and one partner in their masculine essence(initiatory, seeking freedom, strong sense of purpose, competitive, evolving, decisive, directive, present, logical, strong, protective, desire to take action and problem solve) there will be strong polarity. This doesn’t mean that within their own being, couples can’t have both energies quite balanced. What it means is that in order for chemistry to re-ignite or be ignited in a relationship, one person needs to hold more of the feminine pole when they relate to each other and the other person needs to hold more of the masculine pole. It follows that the more feminine one partner is (usually the woman) and the more masculine the other partner is (usually the man), the more that that polarity and physical attraction will be maximised.
Polarity usually occurs in accordance to gender, although in about 10-20% of relationships it may be that the woman genuinely holds a stronger masculine sexual essence and the man genuinely holds a stronger feminine sexual essence. However, generally, a woman longs to be in her feminine when she is with a man and man longs to be in his masculine. Further, a man becomes much more turned on when his woman is in her feminine and a woman becomes much more turned on when her man is in his masculine. This doesn’t mean that a woman and man in relationship need to be in their respective masculine and feminine energies all the time for polarity to be maintained. What it means is that when they relate to each other, say 70-80% of the time, this ought to be the case to keep sexual chemistry alive and flowing.
If partners have a similar sexual polarity, that is, both are more ‘masculine’ or more ‘feminine’, then the attraction between them will be diminished and depolarised. Depolarisation occurs when partners no longer have the play of masculine and feminine energies between them. Both partners are channelling the same type of energy, which causes the relationship to become stale, boring or unbalanced.
It is actually quite common these days that both partners are in their masculine as we live in such a masculine world. This happens when both partners are focused on action and mental logic, rather than flowing through the body and the heart. A typical example of depolarisation which can be used as a metaphor, is when the feminine partner questions the masculine partner’s direction (whether because he is lost while driving or is flailing with his direction in life). This will create an instant collapse of the polarity. Similarly, if the feminine partner is criticized for looking run down or worn out, or for not being playful, joyful or loving enough, she will start to shut down. The feminine must learn to trust the wisdom of the masculine and his ability to act clearly despite her fears and emotions. The masculine must learn to worship a woman’s radiance and give her attention, presence and compliments, despite his desire to get things done or go more inward.
A huge mistake many people make in relationship is trying to force their partner to change and become a carbon copy of themselves. This will only serve to kill the sexual chemistry which relies on magnetic attraction of opposites. We need to bring masculine and feminine polarity into sexuality, love and relating because when a woman is being extra feminine it attracts the masculine sexually and vice versa.
Low polarity couples connect well emotionally and can describe each other as “my best friend in the world”, but their sex won’t be very magnetic or charged. Higher polarity couples, however, can relax together and have great conversation, but can also turn the heat up sexually and experience mutual desire and rapture. Their inherent masculine and feminine polar forces are expressed and provide the magnetism of relational passion.
Just like with the electromagnetic polarity of the metal prongs of an electrical cord conducting electricity from an electrical outlet, or the magnetism between batteries, sexual polarity also requires the magnetic energy created by the attraction of two polarized energies: masculine and feminine polarity. In the electricity example, the electrical charge of energy is conducted when the “masculine” pronged plug is inserted into the “feminine” receptive outlet. Two masculine plugs for example can hang out together but they don’t create sexual polarity and you would find them engaging in masculine driven activities such as working together a lot.
The masculine is fuelled to get into his body and out of his head by the enlivening, emotive feminine. The feminine is taken into surrender and flow by the stability, logic and presence of the masculine.
For more information on how to cultivate romantic chemistry and sexual energy, you can explore some of the related resources below, including our Relationship Tantra online course, which explores the Tantric pathway to becoming an awakened, empowered and sensually alive being who attracts and maintains relationships where the love and passion builds rather than fades.